For example, you may come to an agreement where your partner moves out and lives in an apartment nearby or another home. You may also agree to allow your partner to visit the children at the family home or have the children over to their apartment. Don’t let things turn into a custody battle—that’s the worst possible outcome for your children. [2] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
You may decide to tell your children in your family home, seated in a comfortable room in the house. Having the talk in a familiar setting can help your children to better process the breakup. It will also give your family the privacy needed for such an important conversation. You may start the conversation by saying, “We have something we need to talk to you all about. This is important and will affect everyone. But you should know that no matter what, we are still a family. "
You should also consider the ages and level of understanding of each child. Younger children may need more simplistic information to understand what is going on. Older children may be aware of what you are saying and process the information faster.
You should also let your children know that you love them both very much. You may say, “We want you to understand that the break up is not your fault and that we both love you, no matter what. We will continue to be your parents, regardless of the separation. ”[5] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
Questions your children might have include, “Who will live in the house?” “Will I have to move or change schools?” “Can I still see my friends?” and “Can I decide who I live with?” Try to answer your children’s questions with honesty and sensitivity. Be reassuring and clear with your answers so your children can get a better handle on the breakup. You may say to your children, “For now, Mom will live in the house. You will all stay with her and Dad will visit on weekends or you will go visit him on weekends. We will share a lot of the day to day needs until the divorce is finalized. ” You may also comment on a specific event coming up that involves your children, like a birthday party or a tournament. You may say, “We have also decided that Dad will drop you off at Stephanie’s party on Sunday and Mom will pick you up” or “We will both still be at your tournament on Friday to support you. ”
If you have younger children, they may react to the break up by regressing to behavior they had previously outgrown, such as wetting the bed or sucking their thumb. Older children can react with a mix of anger, anxiety, and grief. They may also become depressed and withdrawn.
Avoid interrupting your children when they are speaking and display open body language when you are listening. This means maintaining eye contact, keeping your arms relaxed at your sides, and turning your body towards your children as they speak. You can ask your children questions and reassure them when necessary. Avoid trying to have all the answers to their questions and concerns. If you are not sure how to answer, you can say, “I’m not sure how to answer your question but I do know that I will always be here for you and that I love you. The break up does not change my love for you. ”
You may tell these authority figures, “My partner and I recently separated. I’m worried about how it might affect the children. I know this will be a difficult time for them. Do you think you could let me know if there are any issues with the children in the coming weeks or months?”
You and your partner should agree to a daily routine or schedule and then share this schedule with the children. This way, the children know what to expect day to day and can feel that you are both still reliable. You should also maintain the same disciplining habits with your children, even if they are going to be in different households due to the separation. You and your partner should maintain the same rules, rewards, and expectations of your children to maintain a sense of stability and consistency. You and your partner should avoid bending or adjusting the established rules for your children, as this could confuse or anger your children.
Avoid arguing or fighting with your former partner in front of the children, as this will only upset them more. You want to show your children that you and your former partner can still be supportive, functional parents, even if you do not get along with each other. You should also avoid using your children as messengers or pawns between you and your former partner. This can lead to further emotional issues for your children and create greater tension between everyone in the family.
You may look for a therapist that specializes in children or a counselor who has experience with children dealing with a separation and divorce. You may also need counseling or therapy for yourself as you deal with the breakup. Getting professional help can allow you to better support your children and be there for them during this difficult time.
You should allow your children to spend time with old family members and old friends. You should also try to use the same babysitters or child-care that you did before the breakup. Allowing your children to stay connected to the people in their lives before the separation will ensure they have a stable network around them. This can help your children to develop into healthy adults and weather the difficulties of the break up successfully.
If you and your partner are having issues with child support payments and/or other financial agreements, you should discuss them alone and in private. Do not bring your children into the discussion or use your children as pawns in the conflict. This will only foster more tension and high emotion.
You should maintain a healthy diet and exercise on a consistent basis. You should also take some time to do self-care and ensure your needs are being met. You should also be social and see close friends and family. They can offer you support when you need it and in turn, ensure you are able to support your children.
You should also let your children know if and when you decide to live with someone new. These kinds of decisions can upset your children, especially if it is soon after the breakup. Discuss them and listen to their thoughts before you move forward.
You should lean on professional support systems like counselors and therapists. Perhaps you decide to see a therapist one on one and offer therapy to your children as an option. You can also lean on personal support systems like a close circle of friends or relatives. You may decide to have dinner on your own with friends once a week or set up a family dinner with relatives so your children can feel supported.
