Open, honest communication. Both people feel able to express their feelings and opinions without fear of being harmed or belittled for them. Both people use kind, caring language to express their feelings and do not use shaming or blaming language. Both people do not make excuses for their actions. Both people acknowledge the validity of the other’s emotions. Fairness and negotiation. Both people are willing to negotiate and compromise in order to find healthy solutions. Neither person always gives in or gives up. Both people attempt to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Neither person is “in it to win it” at the expense of the other. Shared responsibility and power. Neither person makes all the decisions. If one person usually makes decisions, it is because both people are comfortable with this. Respect. Both people feel valued for their unique selves. Both people express appreciation for the other. Even when angry or hurt, both people maintain respect and do not use hurtful or violent language or actions. Trust and support. Both people are supportive of each other. They want the best for the other person. Both people feel like they can rely on the other. Both feel safe to share their emotions, desires, and needs without fear of being judged. Intimacy. This may be physical affection. It can also be respecting the other person’s boundaries or privacy. Truly intimate relationships do not attempt to control or monitor one person’s behavior. Personal integrity. Both people have a sense of self distinct from their relationship. Both have a sense of independence and maintain their own values, tastes, and beliefs. Both partners take responsibility for their words and actions.
If the person to whom you are addicted reminds you of a past family member or another relationship, you may be looking to compensate for a previous failed relationship through this current relationship. You will need to separate the feelings from the two different relationships to move on. A hallmark sign of a codependent person is attracting individuals who are unstable. Maybe you always make friends or start relationships with individuals who are emotionally unavailable. Examine previous relationships to see if this is true for you.
Healthy relationships involve intimacy in which conversations go below the surface into areas you would normally not share with the public. These attachments also include give and take from both partners as well as mutual benefit from the attachment. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Unhealthy and codependent relationships generally stay above the surface and have few fulfilling conversations. Maybe you are always pretending to be cheerful around the other person, but, inside, you feel sad or confused. You may only ever feel relaxed and happy when the other person is feeling this way. You fear what would happen if you told your lover or friend how you really feel.
Signs of an obsessive relationship may include delusional tendencies in which your partner or friend exaggerates any interaction you have with others. This person may think a smile with a stranger means something more. They may want to check your phone or email to be sure their relationship with you is priority. [5] X Research source A controlling partner may cause you to feel as if you have lost your individuality. This person may guilt-trip you about time spent away to the point that you find yourself spending almost no time with family or other friends. Most people think an abusive relationship equates to physical violence. In fact, obsessiveness and controlling behavior can lend to emotional abuse. If your partner or friend isolates you from others, acts possessive, tries to tell you what to do, or puts you down to maintain a position of authority over you, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. [6] X Research source
Accept reality about your partner. Instead of saying, “He’s not that bad; he bought me a necklace for my birthday”, tell yourself the truth about your partner: “She pretends to be jealous about other people I hang out with so I end up only hanging out with her” or “She often keeps me from seeing my family. " If the relationship - platonic or romantic - causes you to feel powerless or controlled, you need to admit this to yourself. Don’t pretend everything is going well just to maintain the attachment. Magnification (blowing things out of proportion) and minimization (seeing things as less important than they are) are common cognitive distortions, unhelpful ways of thinking that we can slip into unawares. If you find yourself constantly looking for excuses or dismissing things as “not that bad,” you may be using these distortions to justify staying in the relationship.
Change your bank account and start receiving paychecks to the new account if you are sharing funds with this person. Look for a new place to rent or live on a temporary basis if the unhealthy attachment is a roommate. Remove alcohol, drugs, food, sex or other triggers that may be tempting you to stay in an addictive situation.
For example, if the person wants to talk on the phone, suggest a date and time, and then go to a supportive friend’s house to take the call.
When you’re in an addictive relationship, you’re trying to get approval, love, acceptance, or belonging from some place other than yourself. To overcome those feelings, you’ll have to start looking inward for your own comfort—but there may be some pain and grief throughout that process. [12] X Expert Source Samantha Fox, MS, LMFTMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 19 January 2021. Keep in mind, feelings of worthlessness cannot be stamped out by relationships; you must resolve these feelings in order to ever fully love yourself or another person. Deal with your own self-esteem issues now, before you start dating again.
The next time you meet a new person be direct about your needs and any limitations you would like to set. In healthy relationships, both partners should have a say in how things work. Don’t give up your power in another codependent relationship. Moving forward, always be mindful and aware of your past relationships/friendships that have been treacherous. Take things slow with any new person that enters your life. Always keep your needs in mind and practice self-care. [14] X Research source Finally, continue to seek outside support from your counselor or a local support group to receive education and encouragement as you form new healthy bonds.
