If you don’t know how to start a conversation, say, “There’s something on my mind and I’d like it if you listened. ” You can also say, “Something is bothering me and I feel like we should talk about it. ”
Use active listening skills by reflecting the content and emotions of what your partner is saying. Say, “Let me make sure I understand. I hear you saying that you’re upset that I didn’t tell you what time I would be home, and you wish I would have said something earlier because you were concerned. ”
For example, you may want to create sexual boundaries (being sexually exclusive) and social boundaries (having one night a week designated for friends or activities). Don’t let your partner control you and don’t set out to control your partner. Setting boundaries means respecting each other and finding compromises to make the relationship work well.
To properly communicate, say, “ I think/feel/want…. when…. . because…. ” For example, “I feel upset when you leave the door open because the room gets cold and drafty. ”
If you’re feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner, start asking questions about feelings (and don’t blame or make assumptions). By discovering your partner’s feelings, you may begin to feel more compassion toward them.
An example of checking in could be, “Hey, are you ok after our disagreement yesterday? I just wanted to make sure there weren’t any leftover feelings or things we didn’t resolve. " Ask your partner if you are on the same page in terms of relationship expectations. You may discuss moving in together, sexual satisfaction, marriage, children, or plans to move. Be clear on what you want and how your partner fits in with that.
Your partner’s wishes, thoughts, and feelings have value. Communicate to your partner that you consider the way they feel. Mutual respect is an important part of making a healthy relationship work. [8] X Research source Talk to your partner about creating respect in your relationship. Decide “do’s” and “don’ts,” such as name calling or sexual touch. You may wish to implement “fair fighting” rules. They are as follows:[9] X Research source No degrading language No blaming No yelling No use of force No talk of divorce/breaking up Don’t try to tell your partner what they are thinking/experiencing/feeling Stay in the present Take turns speaking Use time outs when necessary Make them happy
Ask your partner how they like to feel appreciated. Write a note or a card, or make an effort to say “thank you” often. Let your partner know how you like to be appreciated. Say, “It means a lot to me when you notice the things I do for you. ”
Find activities that you can do together regularly. It can be as simple as enjoying a cup of coffee together each morning or reading together at night. Trying something new together can be a fun and exciting way to spend time together. You don’t have to do anything crazy — even going out to dinner at a new restaurant or trying a new cuisine can be a fun experience.
Avoid giving up your friends or pressuring your partner to give up friends. It’s important to have friends and the emotional support they provide. Likewise, don’t allow your partner to dictate whether or not you can see your family.
When changes happen, take a deep breath and deal with them one by one.
For more information, check out How to Attend Couples Counseling.
You and your partner may isolate from other people and not have friends outside of your relationship. Educate yourself about codependency and spend some time identifying your (or your partner’s) self-defeating behaviors. [16] X Research source You may want to work with an individual or couple’s therapist. Check out How to Tell if You Are Codependent to learn more.
Don’t demand your partner’s passwords to social media accounts or email. Respect your partner’s privacy and be willing to trust your partner. It’s not healthy for you or your partner to constantly monitor each other’s behaviors. This can be rooted in jealousy or control, which are not healthy components to bring into a relationship.
For more information, check out How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship.
